Ever since I started having doubts I think about my family all the time. I tried and tried to get good feelings and positive answers about Joseph Smith and the book of Mormon, but I actually had an experience that was quite different. As I searched for things to help me gain my testimony back, I was asking God again and again if Joseph Smith was a true prophet, and I did not have any good feelings. After so many times I thought in my head, "what if he wasn't a prophet?" And immediately I felt like a mountain had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt the barrier of man made rules and rituals and doctrines and dogmas disappear, and I felt genuinely good inside. I don't feel like I have to justify wicked doctrines, or overlook contradictions. I don't feel like I depend on any man for my salvation. The wall between me and God is gone.
My wife and kids are my world, and my poor wife is going through so much because of me right now. But my love has never been so pure and focused, this life matters so much more. And not for one minute do I think that I won't be with my family again. I think that God would no more separate a loving family than he would command a suicide bomber to kill innocent people.
So I know that it won't be easy to adjust, but I will do everything I possibly can to show my wife that she is everything to me.
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