Wow! So much has happened in the last year! Last year around this time my wife and I were having a hard time. I stopped paying tithing and I went about it the wrong way. I tend to do things the hard way, not sure why. 2015 was a year of amazing progress, both personal and in my relationship with my wife and family. There was a lot of anger inside me that I had to learn to let go. Katie helped me see that. We have both made big compromises because we love each other.
One thing that has helped me feel less angry is learning about philosophy and alternative spirituality. Looking beyond organized religion has been awesome. I feel like religions are just in it for the money, There are some that do good in the world, but a person can be just as good or better without making about religion. Epicurus has been one of my absolute favorite philosophers to read. His views are so common sense. Bertand Russell is amazing as well.
Studying Psychology has been an amazing help to me as well. UVU has very open-minded teachers, I have taken advantage of all the paper I have to write by choosing topics that are related to religion and Mormonism. This gives me an outlet and a chance to study both sides and look objectively at the Church instead of just being angry,
\ I am not sure what god I believe in, I don't believe in the God of the bible or of Mormonism, Sometimes I am told that I lost the "twinkle in my eye"? I am told that I am not as happy as I used to be. I am told that I NEED to hurry and find out what exactly it is that I believe in now. No one bothers to ask how I feel, they like to tell me how I feel based on what the church says I should feel. That is frustrating, but despite that I am so much happier than I used to be, happier with myself, I don't feel broken or inadequate. Instead, I feel I have so much more potential. I am not tethered to the narrow worldview handed to me at birth. Mental and spiritual freedom. Instead of fretting about what is or isn't considered a sin, I can base my actions on what I feel is good and bad. Sometimes I see people I love that still believe, they are suffering because of guilt and shame that are piled on them for simply being human. The church is funny, they say, "Be Perfect", but at the same time they say you can never be perfect. I wish I could have nothing to do with Mormonism, but I am tied to it forever. I am glad that I am open about my unbelief so that I can experience some degree of independence.
My oldest child is being baptized this Saturday. His grandfather will baptize him. It will be strange, but I will be there for him. I hope he knows that I love him and I am proud of him. Sometimes I wonder if he will stay a believer, he is very inquisitive and not satisfied with easy answers. I am the same way, that is why I studied my way out of religion. There is always two sides to the coin. I can't help but look at both.
During 2016 I want to build on the progress I have made this year, I want to be a better dad and husband. I think that I will ask to have my name removed from the records of the church. Cutting that cord will help me be there for Katie with no other strings attached. I will be there purely for her and the kids. The church will not be able to claim me as a part of their numbers in their inflated annual reports. No interviews from authority figures intended to impose goals and self-image that are not in line with how I want my life to be. I love the people in the ward, I will gladly associate with them as friends and neighbors, but I don't have to share their beliefs to do so.
